Dear Santa – A Mom’s Christmas Wishlist for REAL

Dear Santa,
This is a mom’s Christmas wishlist. I am sure you know my name by now. The elf on the shelf has probably had some interesting things to report. Yes, I said fuck yesterday and yes, my kids heard me, but I have been such a fucking good girl this year that small detail shouldn’t matter. I am writing you today to tell you that I have a Christmas Wishlist this year. For the first year in a long time I am starting to realize that I am not a robot or just a mombie, I have wants and needs too. So dear Santa, pay close attention because this shit is real.

This Mom’s Christmas Wishlist

• I want to shit in peace – Yes, my kids are 7 and 10 but they will walk right past their father sitting on the couch to come to find me to ask if they can have something. I think taking a poop alone isn’t too much to ask.
• I want to go on a real date – Not the kind where we last second to get the kids dressed up and drag them to Chucky Cheese. No, the kind where my husband and I can really connect. The kind where it’s a real time for my husband and I to be alone, and I want that at least once every 2 months out of the year, rather than a total of 3 times a year or less. Maybe then we would hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Yes, this mom’s christmas wishlist does include a hope for a little bit of 50 shades shit. 
• I want a maid service to help – I am so fucking tired of cleaning the entire house daily, only for a grown man and two children to come in and run around like tornadoes of shit throwing their crap everywhere. There are too many things all over the place here. I need someone to clean behind my couch. I need someone to clean the baseboards. I need someone to take care of these things for me once in a while, so I can work in peace because I am so TIRED of looking at the mess, and I can’t seem to get ahead of the shit.
• I want someone to want to be with my kids – I am tired of having to try to source a sitter, especially hiring someone I don’t know. I want their family to want to be around them, I want their family to volunteer to have the kids and mean it. I want their family to make the trip to come see them, it’s not that far. The sudden sniffles family gets when asked to have the kids over, I want those to go away too. I do this shit alone most of the time, especially when my husband is away for work. I just want people to give up their favoritism for other kids in the family and realize that my kids deserve love too.
• I want ONE good family picture – Just one. One where my son doesn’t have what I like to call: “Taking a shit smile,” or my daughter isn’t picking her nose. One where I didn’t have to set a fucking timer on my phone to attempt a miracle. One where my hair looks nice. One where my husband is smiling. JUST ONE. I want to hang it on the wall to display to everyone that comes over. See? We CAN be functional!
• I want to take a fucking nap – I want to take a fucking nap. Pretty self-explanatory. This mom’s Christmas wishlist isn’t ALL complicated.
• I want to look like a person – I need time. I need time to be able to brush my fucking hair and have a shower. I smell like a mixture of sweat and peanut butter most days. I want to put makeup on, I want to wear something other than holey yoga pants. In fact, I need new fucking yoga pants. I want to resemble a human being rather than a useless pile of laundry because right now I look like I belong in the basket.
• I want the selfishness to stop – I want people to realize that having me drag two kids, figure out what to do with the dog and make sure we are all packed up is a lot harder than them coming to visit here for the weekend or even a few hours. We have space to accommodate people, but no one wants to make the few hours trip to come visit us. Nope. Our family wants us to drive the few hours to come to them all the time, and they all live in different parts of the city and don’t come together. So, we are talking 6 different trips in the span of a weekend, and at least one person getting butthurt because we didn’t make it to them. I want family to figure their shit out and realize it’s easier for them to come to us. Just fucking once. (I feel like I will regret saying this if people actually make the trip, but I doubt I will ever know.)
• I want one day to myself – Just one day where I don’t have to work. One day where I choose everything I get to do. One day where I come and go as I please. No dishes. No laundry. No cleaning. Just one day. One day where I don’t have to worry about what anyone else is doing.

So, while all Mariah wants for Christmas is you… I am over here with a mom’s christmas wishlist a mile long, waiting for the impossible to happen. Dear Santa, I know you can do this. So get on it PLEASE.